I’m updating the blog with a few shorter posts from Instagram from the last few months. So bear with me as I pop a few posts up here in the next few days.
Sometimes I feel that the distance between who I am now and who I want to be is enormous. It can’t be scaled by any stretch of the imagination. I am discouraged and frustrated by my reactions, my judgements, my emotions.
And as I grow closer to my 30th birthday and take stock of what has happened since 1987, I am pleased and dismayed to find that I’ve always felt like ‘me’.
Pleased because it is really lovely that things like my marriage, my job, my kids, and my vocation as a mother don’t make me feel like I’ve lost myself. They make me feel like I’ve found pieces of myself along the way.
Dismayed because the same unpleasant idiosyncrasies and flaws I knew when I was young enough to be aware of them are still there, lurking in the shadows waiting to surprise me that they are present in my weakness.
Today I saw a big group of trees lined up side by side and the sun was brightly pushing through them. I could see the intricate outline of all the cedar branches. And in an instant the sun faded gently away and I could only see the ground where the outline of these trees had been.
We are the same. Our true selves are always standing there, growing from childhood. When there is light in our lives we see ourselves clearly in front of us, every detail seems to have purpose. When that light fades, we are less sure of our shape and form. We desire to see what we think is our true self, the best version of ourself.
But even when we are unsure, I find comfort in knowing that ‘I am’ is still there.
So I am Laura. I am not my mistakes. I am not my accomplishments. I am not God. I am comfortable in knowing I will grow beyond some of my flaws, but others I will always struggle with.
And in it all I have peace that I am a beloved daughter of God. That is enough for me.