Catch up

All this week I have been feeling annoyed with myself for not posting last week. I started something and it felt a little too raw. I have a lot of writing like that sitting in folders on WordPress and my notes in my phone. Sometimes it’s hard to know what to share and what to wrestle with.

So to play catch-up I decided to share a poem I wrote this week in a quiet moment.

Are you fragile God?

Are you incapable of receiving my failures, my rage?

Why do I paint you this way?

I believe You are the creator of all things.

The giver of life.

The One with open arms.

And yet I turn away when I fail, when I rage. I take the load of reputation. I carry what is not mine.

Lord, help me to believe that I am worthy of your embrace when I am weak. That I am worthy of love. That we all are.

I teach this to my kids over and over. I offer this lesson to them.

Teach it to me Lord. That the sweetest thing to you is any child of Yours turning their face away from shame and towards You.

This view doesn’t get old. Check out that moon

6 months to 30

I’m updating the blog with a few shorter posts from Instagram from the last few months. So bear with me as I pop a few posts up here in the next few days.

Sometimes I feel that the distance between who I am now and who I want to be is enormous. It can’t be scaled by any stretch of the imagination. I am discouraged and frustrated by my reactions, my judgements, my emotions.

And as I grow closer to my 30th birthday and take stock of what has happened since 1987, I am pleased and dismayed to find that I’ve always felt like ‘me’.

Pleased because it is really lovely that things like my marriage, my job, my kids, and my vocation as a mother don’t make me feel like I’ve lost myself. They make me feel like I’ve found pieces of myself along the way.

Dismayed because the same unpleasant idiosyncrasies and flaws I knew when I was young enough to be aware of them are still there, lurking in the shadows waiting to surprise me that they are present in my weakness.

Today I saw a big group of trees lined up side by side and the sun was brightly pushing through them. I could see the intricate outline of all the cedar branches. And in an instant the sun faded gently away and I could only see the ground where the outline of these trees had been.

We are the same. Our true selves are always standing there, growing from childhood. When there is light in our lives we see ourselves clearly in front of us, every detail seems to have purpose. When that light fades, we are less sure of our shape and form. We desire to see what we think is our true self, the best version of ourself.

But even when we are unsure, I find comfort in knowing that ‘I am’ is still there.

So I am Laura. I am not my mistakes. I am not my accomplishments. I am not God. I am comfortable in knowing I will grow beyond some of my flaws, but others I will always struggle with.

And in it all I have peace that I am a beloved daughter of God. That is enough for me.

Awakened in the Spirit

I’m updating the blog with a few shorter posts from Instagram from the last few months. So bear with me as I pop a few posts up here in the next few days.

Last Friday was a windy, windy day. It was full of branches falling all over the place, gusts that take your breath away, and kite filled joy.

During Maggie’s nap on Friday afternoon I was watching a flock of seagulls (haha, I know), but in all seriousness it was peacefully captivating.

There was something mesmerizing about these birds sensing the wind together. As an an observer you can actually ‘see’ where the wind is when it starts to pick up.

And in response the seagulls begin to rise and fall, go left to right and flow together at all different heights and speeds until eventually they sense when to rest as the wind dies down. Each is independent in where they fly, but united in the call to move.

The sight awakened something in me and I began to think back to last weekend at the Unfailing Woman’s Retreat put on by the Archdiocese of Vancouver. For me it was a powerful time to recharge and refocus, especially on the need for sisterhood in my life.

Oh my dear sisters, that we could catch the wind of the Holy Spirit together. That we could journey together, sensing the wind, and trusting it will bring us to where we need to be. That would be my great joy.

Schooled by my little Magdalene

I’m updating the blog with a few shorter posts from Instagram from the last few months. So bear with me as I pop a few posts up here in the next few days. Today’s lunch included melted cheese on toast, …

New every morning

I’m updating the blog with a few shorter posts from Instagram from the last few months. So bear with me as I pop a few posts up here in the next few days. If you know me it is no …