It has been too long since I’ve hit the ‘Post’ button. Way too long. But I have my reasons for this unplanned absence. Care to listen?
I’ve been struggling to think of something ‘worth’ writing for a few months now. I’ve been trying to look at this, my sacred space of writing, in a new way, like I’ve never been here before.
This type of self-scrutiny is often coupled with self-doubt. As I became critical I also became self conscious. Was is possible that everything I’ve ever written was in the same tone? Triumphant, everyday moments that redefine little parts of me until I’m more and more the person I want to be. Who does that?
And then I concluded that yes, I do this a lot, but it’s become something I do very well. Then I started thinking about something that a priest, Father Eugene, said when we visited Dubai this Christmas (yes, we visited Dubai…. more on that later). He spoke about our tendency to over-sentimentalize things at the risk of losing the meaning of every day hard work and sacrifice. I suppose… I guess… I admit that I am guilty of such things.
I like to infuse everything with meaning, hence my last post, And find it I will. But, am I doing myself a disservice if I only come to the keyboard and bright screen of my computer when I already know how I feel about something? And I started to ask…
Maybe I need to write when things are muddled?
Maybe I need to write when I’m angry at my own choices?
Maybe I need to write when I ticked off as heck?
Is everything I’ve posted here just the same thesis chewed and spit up like regurgitated cud? Do I only present one message?
Then for I while I was thinking that maybe writing was just a phase when I needed a supportive community when we were far away from most of our family and friends trudging though a Masters program and surviving teaching Junior High. I really needed it to sustain a part of me that ached for connection. Every ‘like’ on Facebook and every comment under a post felt like a hug, a much needed hug.
I thought that maybe now I’m doing so well with this new job that fits like a glove and that we had returned to the place where we really started out that I wouldn’t ‘need’ to write.
Yet, there was something suspicious about that because I can’t tell you how many unfinished posts are sitting on this blog since we moved back. Bits of information, inspirations that leaked from my brain until something distracted me.
More likely though I felt embarrassed about what I was try to say. Because really why would anyone want to listen to what I have to say about Nelson Mandela or how marriage is really, really hard sometimes or what an incredible woman my mother is? You are not my students and you are not even all my family (but thank you family for reading everything I write) so you are not held captive by social conventions.
Part of the struggle of writing, especially in a medium like, is that this blog is a living thing. I am faced with a dilemma each time I make a stop here. There are two options. I can add what I write to my growing pile of un-posted posts or I can share it… with the world. The world.
How is that for daunting?
Here is the truth. What I lack is discipline in such matters. It’s always been that way. I like the pressure of deadlines and I work well under them. In this little realm of my life there are no deadlines. That is hard for me. So sometimes I’m not great at writing as much as I should.
Here is the more truthful truth. I don’t trust that what I have to say is worth listening to…
…Which is true to a certain extent. Trust me, you don’t want to read my diary from when I was 12. You will feel physical pain due to the embarrassment that it will cause you.
In reality I love this and it brings me joy. I’m going to bet that it brings you joy too. So I’m going to keep doing this. I’m going to do this more and more. I’m going to be disciplined. I’ll even finish some bits of writing that I’ve started and left hanging for months and months. I’m going to tell you what’s going on in my life because things are moving and changing all the time and it is exciting! I’m going to tell you what I’m thinking, because it’s worth listening to.
And that’s the honest truth!