Diving. I am so afraid of diving. This is due to a childhood fear, something I can’t let go of, something I can’t blame on anyone, although I try. The truth is, I’ve always wanted to, I just can’t rationalize why I would want to throw my body head first into a large body of water. What’s at the bottom? What is it going to feel like? Will it hurt? Will the cold hit me like walking into the freezer at work, when I can’t breathe from the shock. I guess I’m just too rationale sometimes. But there’s something in me that just wants to do it. I want to know that it’ll feel so good to just get every little bit of me wet and cool and fresh feeling. I want it more then I can understand it, and I can’t understand it, so I just can’t do it.
This is the dilemma of so many things in my life. I want it so badly, and I can’t imagine why, so I just kind of go into neutral, have a good cry and give up. But I don’t really give up because I still think about it, like now. I still have moments where I imagine my fingers outstretched first emerging, my face smiling as I give into the water, my body experiencing the rush of water on my belly, my long legs gliding me into deep dark water. All of this seems to happen in my daydreams with an Enya-like soundtrack.
So why all this reflection? Tonight I was sitting in bed, waiting for Robbie to call me, and I was growing restless as I often do. Today was kind of a restless day. Nothing really worked out the way I wanted it to. If you know me, it is probably clear to you that I struggle with waiting for things such as phone calls. I was getting irate in my room when I thought “I would really like to take a walk in the rain… or just feel the rain, or just sit in the rain.”
Queue the internal struggle of Laura.
Rationale Laura: “That’s ridiculous. You’ll need to change into clothes that you don’t mind getting wet and then you’ll need to dry off when you get inside. It will be a pain in the hiney and besides, this bed is very comfy.”
Inquisitive/Restless Laura: “But I am so irate waiting here. I have lived in BC all my life and I don’t think I’ve ever just given into the rain and let it get me wet on my own accord. Perhaps I will appreciate it more and it will treat me better if I just let it do what it wants to do.”
Rationale Laura: “You are going nuts young lady. I truly think that you need to examine the fact that you think the rain has a personality. This is truly a problem with you. Irene said there’s an actual name for this problem… personification of something, well that’s not quite right but, oh well. Back to the main point… It is important to note that if you are outside you shouldn’t take your cell phone due to the impending wetness and then you might miss a call from Robbie. Look at the time. Any moment now he may call. Any moment. He might suddenly feel and urge to ask you his opinion on something… like the weather for example, or how you feel about vigilantes.”
Inquisitive/Restless Laura: “Well… I’ll tell you what. I don’t care about getting cold, or whether he calls, and even if he wants to know how I feel about vigilantes I’m sure I can call him back. I want to feel rain in my hair willingly. I want to smell the pavement. I want to get wet and I don’t want to think about it anymore. I am getting up. See. I am walking down the stairs. I am opening the door. I am outside. And as a final comment… Rationale Laura… I am not thinking about this decision so please go away for a while. Do not be offended, I just want to get wet.”
Rationale Laura: silence…
So when I was outside, getting wet on purpose, I was thinking about diving. I was thinking about how much I wanted to jump into the Shuswap and just get wet, on purpose. I sat out there for a while. I thought about what is bothering me these days. Then I stopped thinking and started paying attention to my body. At first it screamed at me to go inside. I was cold. I started to feel a wave of Goosebumps hit me on my arms. I wanted to run inside. Then there was a quick shiver… and relief. Suddenly I found that I liked the temperature, every drop felt pretty good. I even put my feet into the stream of water going down the hill on my road, just because I wanted to see my feet in the water make ripples. I really like my feet. I splashed around. I got wet. But it wasn’t a childlike visit to the outside, but a reflective time. The most important thing was that I felt free to follow my impulses and just be.
I think this is incredibly profound for where I am in life. I am capable of so many great things that I don’t even care to admit. I can’t do all of them, but for random periods in my limited existence thus far, I think I don’t even try to do any of them. And that is just ridiculous.
So the whole point is that I want to risk, even if its silly little things, because those are the hardest for me to conquer. Perhaps I’ll go down in history as “Laura, conqueror of silly little things.” Seriously.
So, here’s to full body immersion. May the Shuswap cover every part of me.